Tonight I had an epiphany, a moment of sudden revelation and insight. For many years I’ve been extremely critical of myself as a parent. I have three wonderful adult children whom I’m so proud of. But whenever one of them struggles with something, or faces difficulty I blame myself.
There are many times I’ve taken the blame for my children’s problems. I could share specific examples, but because these stories are not just mine but my children’s I don’t feel free to describe them on this public forum. (I think I just heard a collective sigh of relief coming from a couple of specific places on the planet.)
There is one example I’ll share however. My children are all in their mid to late thirties. Two have never married. And I’ve blamed myself. Something I did, perhaps my own difficult first marriage, resulted in my children’s failure to marry. The thought going through my head has always been, “It’s my fault”.
Not until I married the second time did I find marriage to be the satisfying experience I enjoy now. My children were entering their teen years when I found my forever partner. It’s always been my pray that my kids would find their forever partners too, but it just hasn’t happened . . . because of me.
This is a deep seated blame I had no idea where it came from until tonight.
My women’s Bible study group is reading Joyce Meyer’s book, “Battlefield of the Mind”. I got to one paragraph in the book which hit me cold in the face. “Things that were on your parents can be passed on to you. Attitudes, thoughts and behavior patterns can be inherited. A wrong mindset that your parents had can become your mindset. The way you think about a certain subject can be passed down to you, and you won’t even know why you think that way.”
Before I even finished reading this paragraph a long forgotten memory rushed to the surface. It was a Friday evening in March of 1988. Earlier that day I had been issued a restraining order on my first husband, and left with my children. It was the day my fourteen year marriage ended. I phoned my elderly parents to tell them. My dad angrily responded, “You’ve ruined your children’s lives. They will never get over this. You’ve destroyed them.” He handed the phone to mother, and didn’t speak to me again for a long time. That’s all he said. That’s all he needed to say. In that moment I internally came into agreement with him. From that point on anything bad that happened to my children was my fault. I may not have said it out loud, but inwardly that is how I felt.
My parents grew up in the Great Depression. They saw things in black and white, especially when it came to how families looked and behaved. My dad always taught his three daughters that divorce was unacceptable when there were children involved. Period. One sister got divorced. Then I went through divorce. And finally my youngest sister divorced as well. Many years later my dad would confess to me that his greatest shame and sense of failure in life came from all three of his children getting divorced. He asked me, "Where did I go wrong with you girls?" I simply replied, "Life happens daddy. It's not your fault." Yet here I was carrying the same false guilt my dad carried because he'd "shared" it with me.
My parents grew up in the Great Depression. They saw things in black and white, especially when it came to how families looked and behaved. My dad always taught his three daughters that divorce was unacceptable when there were children involved. Period. One sister got divorced. Then I went through divorce. And finally my youngest sister divorced as well. Many years later my dad would confess to me that his greatest shame and sense of failure in life came from all three of his children getting divorced. He asked me, "Where did I go wrong with you girls?" I simply replied, "Life happens daddy. It's not your fault." Yet here I was carrying the same false guilt my dad carried because he'd "shared" it with me.
As the shame of this memory washed over me tears of pain came to my eyes. I heard God clearly speak to me. He said, “Your children have not been ‘ruined’ or ‘destroyed’”. God continued, “Your children are mature, wise, and emotionally healthy adults who have weathered that difficult time. In fact, they have great insight directly as a result of going through that time.” God finished by saying, “Stop blaming yourself falsely because of angry words your earthly father spoke that day.”
Thoughtless words said many years ago had burdened me with a heavy load. God released me tonight from the shame and guilt that were never meant for me to carry!
