HAVE YOU EVER FELT USELESS?

My sister, Jeannie Bartel, wrote this recently.  I asked her permission to put it on my blog, and she said yes.  I hope it speaks to you as much as it did to me.  

God taught me an incredible lesson yesterday.  There have been many times in my life when I questioned my value to God.  I questioned whether He would ever be able to use me, because I felt like such a failure and disappointment.  Life had taken such drastic negative turns, and I simply couldn’t imagine that God would use me given my messed up life.

I pick my 92 year old mom up every Sunday for lunch, and yesterday God used her to teach me a valuable lesson.  She told me she had gone to the thrift store, and bought a bunch of stuffed animals.  I must admit, my first thoughts were, “Oh no!  She’s losing it!”  When I questioned her about the purchase, she told me there are a number of employees at the retirement facility where she lives that have young children.  Occasionally they will bring their children in, and she wanted to be prepared to give them a gift.

 She also plays “candy bingo” every week.  My mom is a diabetic, and can’t eat candy so she puts her winnings in a box next to her chair, and whenever one of the employees comes into her apartment to do anything for her, she gives them a candy bar.  Just a little something to show her appreciation. 

Then, there is the lady who moved in a few months ago who doesn’t speak, and has a very difficult time eating.  My mom observed her at lunch one day, and noticed she could hardly get the food in her mouth. She went over to her, sat down, and asked if she could help.  Mother proceeded to feed this lady her lunch.  Since then, whenever she sees her in the lobby or dining room she always goes over, and talks to her.  Even though she can’t respond in any way, my mom just figures she must be lonely, and needs a friend. 

This last week, she was telling a resident about a book she had read that my sister sent her.  It was a book about angels, and how God uses them in our lives.  The lady she was talking to said, “Oh that sounds like a book I would love to read, but my eyes are so bad I can’t read anymore.”  My mom asked her if she would like her to come by every evening after dinner, and read a few chapters from the book.  She accepted the offer with much appreciation! 

I looked at my mom and said, “God has given you such an incredible ministry at Emeritus! You are really touching lives mother!”  She shared with me that when she lost daddy a few years ago, and then hit her 90’s not long after he passed, she just didn’t feel as if she could contribute to society any longer.  She felt useless!  Then God began to open up opportunities to do these things for the residents and employees at Emeritus.  But she never looked at it as a ministry until yesterday!

I went home and thought about my own life and how useless I have felt over the years.  Especially the 4 to 5 years following my divorce.  Even today, I sometimes question if God can use me!  Then I am reminded of Joseph, abused and even sold by his own brothers.  Abraham and Sarah were too old, but together a child was conceived.  Moses ran from Egypt because he had killed a man.  David was a boy who became a king.  He had an affair, lied, killed an innocent man, then had to face his sin.  Jonah ran from God, but could not find a place to hide.  Job went bankrupt and lost everything.  The Samaritan woman was divorced many times.  Peter ,the Rock, denied Jesus three times.  The disciples fell asleep when they were asked to pray.  Zacchaeus was too small and despised as a tax collector.  Martha worried about everything.  Thomas was full of doubt, and Paul persecuted the Christians!  Yet God loved them, healed them, and used them all!

It doesn’t matter who we are, or what we have done in our past.  With Jesus Christ our Savior, the impossible can be done.  It has nothing to do with how good or bad we are, or that our life may be a mess!  It’s the fact that we can be changed by the blood of Jesus Christ. So the next time you (or I) question our usefulness to God, the next time we entertain the thought, “God can’t use me, I’m damaged, I’m not talented, I’m a new Christian and don’t know enough about the Bible, I’m not outgoing, I’m too young or too old, think back on all the people God used in the Bible to touch, heal, love, and share the good news of a loving God!  If He could use a prostitute, a divorcee, a tax collector, and a murderer, He can certainly use you and me!

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do good things He planned for us long ago.”  Ephesians 2:10

Below is a photo of our mother (Neva Krueger), my sister, Jeannie, and I celebrating our mother's birthday in July, 2012.

MAKE 'EM LAUGH!

During my first marriage poverty was our constant companion.  My husband worked minimum wage jobs which he changed frequently, but still insisted I be a stay-at-home mom to our children the first six years.  But as soon as our youngest of three was out of diapers I took part-time jobs; cleaning houses, making pizzas for Safeway, clerking at a health food coop.  Whatever I could find that I could do when my husband was home suited me.  It was usually just a few hours here and there a week, but these small jobs enabled me to buy stuff for the kids and myself that we otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford.  In all  honesty I have to confess I desperately looked forward to time away from the house and young children several times a week.  I think I would have gone crazy without those chances to get away.

Winters were particularly hard on me.  Feelings of depression during the long, dark, and cold winter months in Eastern Oregon drug me down into despair.  When I heard our little community was getting a roller skating rink in the summer I was thrilled.  When the Skatin‘ Gator finally opened I went whenever I had a few dollars to spare.  Gradually I developed my “skating legs”, and could actually stay upright most of the time.  The following winter when the blues came back full force I headed to my doctor.  I was desperate for relief.  Dr. Wesley Allen wasn’t the kind of physician to reach for the prescription pad first thing.  He wasn’t a “pill pusher” as I call those doctors who are quick to recommend anti-depressants.  In stead he asked me what I enjoyed doing.  After a minute I answered, “Roller skating.  I love roller skating.”  Without hesitation he reached for his prescription pad, and wrote, “Roller skating once or more a week for depression.”  Dr. Allen handed it to me with all seriousness.  “Try this.” he said.

I put the piece of paper in my purse, and looked at it again when I got home.  But how can I afford to go as often as I need to for this depression?  I headed to bed that night with that question weighing heavily on my mind.  The following morning I had an answer.  Employees skate free!  Approaching the owner/manager one evening I asked him about working for him.  His immediate response was, “I don’t hire women.  Young, good looking guys bring in customers.  Women, especially your age, don’t.  Sorry.”  This was in 1981, and employers could say things like this without getting into trouble.

His response only discouraged me briefly.  There had to be a way to become indispensable to this business.  What could I bring to this roller skating rink that they didn’t have?  What skills did I have that those good looking young men didn’t?  I thought about my talents as a mime artist.  In high school I studied mime; the art of communicating and entertaining without the use of words.  Since graduating I developed my skills in this area of entertaining.  Occasionally I performed as a mime for my church, and community.  Clowning!  If I could mime I could clown!  I would develop a persona, a face, and design a costume.  This would be a roller skating clown called Toe Stops, and I’d offer my services for parties.  A month later I was ready to make my grand entrance at the Skatin‘ Gator.

The costume consisted of bright blue satin knee length bloomers with rainbow suspenders.  A lemon yellow, long sleeved t-shirt with a big rainbow on the front went perfectly.  My face was painted with a muzzle-faced design in bright colors of make-up topped with a bright red nose.  I wore my hair in pig tails with a white bonnet, and wore colorful knee-high socks with skates, of course.  I choose a quiet afternoon to make my entrance.  John Geesbreght was standing by the concession stand when I rolled up to him.  “Hi!  I’m Toe Stops, your roller skating party clown!”  

The owner reacted with surprise, then a big grin crossed his face.  “Do I know you?” he asked.  I could see the wheels spinning as he tried to figure out who I was.  

“How about hiring me as your party clown?  A little birdie told me you needed one.”

Without a second thought he said, “Yes, I’ll hire you as my clown!  Now tell me who you are.”

I finally answered his question, and John just laughed.  

“By golly, you got me to hire you!  Congratulations!”

My first party was the following Saturday.  I never had so much fun going to work.  That was in April of 1981.  During the years at the rink I worked for two owners as a clown, floor guard, DJ, concessions, skating instructor, and even assistant manager when they were between owners.  Most of my hours were in the evenings and weekends when I could take my kids.  I became an accomplished skater, and got into the best shape of my life.  Some great friendships were made, and my depression during the winters completely disappeared.

In 1985 the curvature of my spine, due to scoliosis, advanced to the point that it required surgery to stabilize my back.  It would mean an end to my roller skating days.  I went on to develop a non-skating clown called "Spare Ribs", and continued clowning for another fifteen years!  But I often remember with fondness wonderful old Dr. Wesley Allen, and that thoughtful approach to a young mother’s depression.

WHY I WRITE

My breastbone is held together by wire sutures,

I've lost a child,

and survived a near death experience.

I've lived through chronic depression,
obsessive/compulsive disorder,
anorexia, and Bi-Polar disorder.

I'm no stranger to poverty,
divorce,
or chronic illness.

Yet through these, and other difficult life situations

I've been sustained by a power greater then myself.
God loves us, and desires a relationship with us!

I seek to be content in any circumstance.
I desire to learn through the hard times.

I am reminded I have much to be thankful for.

You'll find images of butterflies on this blog
because butterflies represent a birth in death,
and new life.

Perhaps you'll follow because you're curious,

or going through difficult times yourself,

or looking for an encouraging word.

I pray you find what you are looking for here.

"I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them,

become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do."

from The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom
(survivor of  a Nazi concentration camp)